If I wanted to look at shitty clothes and empty eyes I’d take a bathroom selfie. How is it that “ Shenmue 3” has this enormous Kickstarter following, and yet nobody can produce Shenmue 1 or 2.įollowing this development is like watching Memento – you come in somewhere in the middle, and by the end you realise nothing makes sense and everything is a lie.Īll we’ve actually seen is the same three pictures of two wooden Asians with dead, soulless eyes and crappy clothing. Okay internet, you’re getting trolled, seriously. ![]() It might be better, it might be a different thing now, it might be making new promises.īut we just can’t forget that time it made us all bleed out of our asses and die. Relaunching Arkham Knight is like trying to relaunch Ebola. Holy shit does anybody care about this at all? What we need to doing instead is bestowing upon the Wii U the title of Console of the Year, to acknowledge its incredible bravery and ability to do nothing whatsoever. The Wii U is the Caitlyn Jenner of the tech world – it’s so easy to make fun of, it’s become uncool to do it. But did you realise it sucked THIS BADLY?” How the hell is this news? This is literally just an article saying, “Sure we all agree the Wii U blows some serious ass. We’ve cordoned off porn into its own private internet party that everybody is invited to, and that’s enough.īesides, a Quiet nude mod? Making Quiet naked is like adding bugs to a Ubisoft game – nobody really notices the difference. ![]() So please, please, can we stop with the nude mods. Honestly, it’s harder to avoid porn on the internet than it is to find porn. In 2015, being 12 years old is like being a starving person with pizza falling out of your pockets, trying to dodge buckets of chicken raining down from the sky. That was the state of porn access to an 11-year old in 1998, and Lara Croft’s vaguely sexual pyramids of pixels were my diseased rat. When a person is hungry enough, a diseased rat starts to look delicious. This was also around the time in my life I would put on a gruff voice, get Multichoice to reset the DSTV parental lock and watch Fashion TV for three hours hoping for less Speedos and more see-through dresses. When I was playing the original Tomb Raider and got a chance to see Lara Croft’s pixelated, triangular boobs in all their horrifically textured glory, I was excited. So if you feel like this week can’t possibly get any worse, hit the jump and allow me to prove you wrong. This is my monthly-quarterly-whateverly column on all the news that made headlines this month that eventually sent me raving, pantless, into a nearby Chicken Licken demanding a salmon California roll, hold the salmon. But it’s a kick-ass quote and I’m trying to prepare you for the fact that nothing in this column is related to anything. That’s from The Matrix, and totally unrelated to this column. Koei Tecmo will no doubt target those before any others.Welcome, to the desert, of the real. Meanwhile, the inevitable raft of Dead or Alive nude mods is already widely available. Hopefully Koei Tecmo takes the Shenmue mod in the spirit with which it is intended. should be respected and protected so that they further the longevity of their intellectual properties." ".please take into consideration that contents created by, not only game developers, but also from music composers, film producers, animators etc. Here's part of a statement sent to Eurogamer on the matter last month: Last month Koei Tecmo called on PC modders to play Dead or Alive 5 Last Round "in good moral and manner". "But we can always mod existing games to fullfill our deepest dreams." "Have you ever wanted a Shenmue fighting game? You already know it won't happen, EVER!" Esppiral wrote in a post on. It's pretty impressive work, as the screenshots, below, show. ![]() So, Jacky becomes Ryo, Akira is Lan Di and the Dojo stage is Shenmue's Dojo. The Dead or Alive Shenmue Edition mod was created by tinkerer Esppiral, who retextured a couple of the characters in the PC version of Koei Tecmo fighting game Dead or Alive 5 Last Round to look like characters from Shenmue. The likelihood of Sega investing the millions of pounds it would take to create the Shenmue sequel the series' fans want gets less and less with each day.
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